Astronomy Buff

Don’t Make Me Use the Spank Ray

by Tony on January 25th, 2007

I think thoughts, that’s what I do. Thinking thoughts thoughfully is hard work, but I am a professional thought thinker; I’ve been trained and I have many special suits to protect me. Scientists are professional thought thinkers.

So, I think many, many thoughts throughout the day, and many of them are strange. It’s all part of the skewed perspective you see in the tagline of this blog. And I mean skeeeeewwwwwwwed. And here’s the scary part people: I have a blog. And I can deposit these rather strange ruminations on it and, by extension, you.

Today, I was sitting in this very chair thinking thoughts. Some were very happy, and, as it happened, a vast majority of them were about sex - but that’s none of your f*&king business, so I’m not gonna tell you those. When I finished those thoughts, I moved on to what I’m going to write about today: the end of the world.

I know, going from sex to the end of the world might seem like a non sequitur, but if you had the sexy thoughts I had, you’d be happy enough that the world could go ahead and end, it’s OK.

So today I announce a new category: Don’t make me use the spank ray. This is the closest you’ll ever get me to ranting, mostly it’s just a very disturbing look inside my grey matter. So, read these at your peril, I make no promises that you’ll ever get back to your comfy chair.

Technorati Tags: the end of the world

Back in the eighties, when Ronald Reagan was in charge, many of us were sure he was going to start the end of the world. He seemed so hell-bent on developing and escalating nuclear tensions with the Soviet Union. He also spent billions of taxpayer dollars on an idiotic, stupid dumbass idea dubbed the ‘Star Wars’ missile defense program, a program with technical challenges identical to trying to stop a bullet by firing another bullet at it.

Carl Sagan was very worried about nuclear proliferation, he was very active politically and worked hard to educate the general public about the nuclear sword hanging over our heads.

Today, of course, we have a different set of concerns. We aren’t thinking about nuclear strikes from superpowers as much as terrorist attacks from religious people.

As Rosanne Rosannadanna used to say:

It’s always something. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.

Still, I think about these things. I wonder how the world will end - about whether we’re smart enough and evolved enough to make good decisions. Can we last until the Sun dies and swallows the Earth five billion years from now? I have doubts.

In the course of my thinking, I have compiled the following list of how humanity could give itself really bad day.

• We don’t have enough mittens when nuclear winter arrives
• Superman turns back time too far when he spins the Earth backward and we go to a time before we existed. Stupid dumbass.
• We trip and fall
• Space Ghost gets fed up and uses his spank ray on us
• We beat ourselves to death with our own Nintendo Wii controllers
• The energy released from all the cell phones used at once by 400 million people voting in American Idol acts like a giant microwave and fries us all.
• It turns out that Scientology is right.

Finally, my dearest readers, I’ll leave you with a plea: try to think at least ten thoughts everyday that are thoughtful. People say the children are our future. F&*k that. I don’t say that. I say you are our future. The thoughts you have today, right now, set in motion actions that will affect all of us for decades and maybe centuries to come. Think. Question. Act. The stranger and more unique the thoughts you have, the better the world will be. Your bizarre wiring in that skull of yours could lead to the greatest advance in the history of the world.

Or, it could kill us all. Whatever. The important thing is you tried.

How will you know if they are thoughtful thoughts? Well, if they’re not about American Idol, Donald Trump, Tom Cruise, Scientology, what Mel Gibson thinks, Desperate Housewives, astrology, Paris Hilton, or whether Batman could kick Space Ghost’s ass, then you should probably keep that one.

Just so you know: Batman could take Space Ghost any day…

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