Astronomy Buff

How the Kepler Mission Can Get All the Money It’ll Ever Need

by Tony on July 21st, 2007

I’m a blogger that likes to do more than just whine and complain while others do all the work, I like to be a part of the solution.

In this post, I’ve written that the Kepler team has had some financial difficulty, so much so that NASA had all but cancelled the project.

In a nutshell:

• In 2006, the Kepler mission had received a 21% budget increase and five extra months of time from NASA.
• Last spring, they asked for $42 million more and four more months.
• NASA said, “No. Come back with a budget with no more budget increases. Do it with what you have.”
• The Kepler team came back with a budget that included a request for $54 million dollar increase. (What?!?!?)
• NASA said, “Umm, you’re not getting it are you?” and all but cancelled the project.
• The Kepler guys came back with a budget that had no extra money in it, but they still needed those four extra months.
• NASA said, “That’s better. Now run along and go build your telescope.”

I feel for the Kepler guys though, I do. I know what it’s like to not have enough money and to somehow make ends meet, I’ve been there.

What they don’t seem to realize though, is they are sitting on a gold mine. They could make all the money they’ll ever need. They could have enough money to build the telescope and hold parties with elaborate ice sculptures of the space probe, magicians, clowns, ponies, exotic dancers and all you can eat twinkies.

What’s the gold mine?

Naming rights to all planets discovered by the Kepler telescope.

Imagine this press release:

The Kepler team has announced the discovery of Taco Bell 581c, an earth-like planet orbiting the star….

I suggest they charge, say, one million dollars for the naming rights to all earth-like planets, and $500,000 for the more common Jupiter-like ones.

This is win-win because Kepler gets all the money it needs to operate ad infinitum (or until they discover all the planets), and the sponsors get some positive exposure for their company.

The possibilities are endless, imagine the upcoming astronomy headlines:

• Astronomers discover evidence of water on Depends 786d…
• Coors Light 31a is believed to have ideal conditions for growing crops…
• RayBan 456f orbits a binary star system with an energy output 300x that of our sun…
• Absolut 212c is covered with methane oceans…

But the company that gets this headline will hit the jackpot:

• Astronomers discover life on Lifestyles Condoms 69f!

The discovery of life on one of the planets found by Kepler and named by a company will become an icon. Kepler will be giving companies a chance to cash in on the most important discovery humanity will ever make: life elsewhere in the universe.

The company that has the naming rights to the first planet found to have life will be on the minds, tongues and in the conversations of everyone around the world. Sales will skyrocket and their name will forever be tied to the most important event in human history.

That’s a pretty good return on a one million dollar investment.

Here’s a possible pricing structure:

• earth-like planets: $1 million.
• jupiter-sized planets: $500,000.
• special offer: $5 million for entire solar system

If they wanted to get greedy, they could auction off certain discoveries. For example:

• Astronomers have found that the newly discovered planet Pepsi 21q has a unique atmospheric feature not detected anywhere else. This feature is attributed to a new process astronomers are calling the “FedEx: When it absolutely, positively has to be there yesterday” Effect.
• Cookie-shaped volcanoes formed in a process astronomers are calling the Keebler Fudge Grahams Tectonic Process

But I don’t think they’ll have to go that far, they’ll get plenty of money from just the naming rights.

So Kepler team, don’t say I didn’t try to help. Now go forth and discover planets all you want, I’ve given you a money machine.

Oh, and I want an invite to the next party.

Technorati Tags: kepler mission, NASA

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POSTED IN: NASA, skewed perspective, space program